bitter snow

There was little Jayce despised more than winter.

Piltover winters were harsh, dry and snowy. The winter air set in sometime around early November, and did not lift till mid-April, when all the snow melted into ugly, grayish slush and bitter, cold rain soaked the city for weeks straight. For those five-or-so months, the city was blanketed in white, bitter snow and a wind so horrible and cold it permeated to the bones, even through the thickest jackets.

Jayce hated every minute of it. It was not so bad, really, in the material comforts he enjoyed now. Both the home he shared with his mother on the east side of the city, and his lodgings in the Academy had central heating and tight walls to keep out any draft. There was always a fire crackling in the hearth, and the walks he had to make in the winter chill were never so long or so tedious to pose a real danger. He had received a thick, well-made coat for a holiday a few years ago, and it had served him well for the many winters since then.

Really, he had nothing to worry about.

But Jayce had discovered, many long-suffered winters ago, that memory was a more powerful force than logic.

Memory haunted him, of that long-ago winter journey- he must’ve been, what, six or seven? The wind had been so harsh, the snow so thick and heavy, the journey so long and tedious. Though he knew he was safe now- that he and the people he loved would not be at risk of hypothermia or worse, he could not shake the edge of anxiety the drop in temperature stirred within him. Every winter he had suffered since that fateful trek, he felt horrible.

But the work continued.

He and Viktor were not working on anything exceedingly exciting at the moment- as much as Jayce wished it was, their work with the Arcane was not all thrilling, risky experiments or physics-defying breakthroughs. For the last few months, they had been slowly making their way through the simple logistical problems of actually building the Hexgates.

“Do you think,” Viktor set aside one paper to look at another. They were both sat at a large table in their lab, surrounded both by books and notes. The sky was already dark outside, but they had recently brought in new electric lights that cast their books in a warm, pleasant glow. “That a thousand wheels of copper wiring is too much to ask the Kirammans to finance?”

“How big are the wheels?” Jayce looked up from his own calculations.

Viktor made a soft humming sound, jotted something down, and Jayce knew him well enough to tell he was already moving on to some different topic, and would come back to copper wiring later.

They had begun working before dawn that morning. Now, night had fallen, and they were still working. At some point, in the mid-day, when the sun was still out but blanketed by thick, grayish clouds, they had stopped for a lunch break, but that felt so long ago that the memory of the sandwich seemed as distant as that of the warmth of summer.

Jayce knew that such long studying hours were not good for their minds. He knew, truly, that he should probably get some sleep at some point. But they had a meeting with the Council in a week- no, it was ‘in a week’ three days ago, and they were down to four days now- and they needed to have a budget by then. Not even a definintive budget, but at least a tentative plan. He needed to keep reminding himself of that, or else he’d fall victim to perfectionism paralysis again..

Though, it wasn’t like they even had a tentative plan.

Jayce paused his work, and pressed a hand to his temple.. He felt as if his brain was bleeding. His wrist ached from writing and sketching figures, his face was dry, and the light seemed at the same time too bright and too dim. They had been working for so long, and yet, it was as if they had no progress to show for all their efforts. Though he knew it was simply the catastrophizing of an anxiety-addled, sleep-deprived mind, but he couldn’t help but run through every scenario of the outcome of their work- visions of failure in front of the entire council plaguing his sleeping and waking mind.
“
“Agh-” Viktor spoke aloud again- more of a frustrated, grunted exclamation than a word.

“What’s wrong?” Jayce asked.

“I miscalculated the circumference numbers,” Viktor explained, “We have to do it all again.”

At that, Jayce couldn’t help but let out a tired, heavy sigh of his own. Great. “Well… I guess we’ll just have to do that. I guess.”

“Mhm.” Viktor hummed. He was hardly the most talkative person Jayce knew, but the more time he spent with his partner, the more Jayce began to pick up on his subtle communications- hums and sighs and expressions. Viktor may not be vocal, but he was hardly inexpressive. Jayce liked that about him. He liked a lot of things about Viktor, actually.

He was getting distracted again. Jayce returned his sights to his own work- only to find that he, too, had made a grave calculation error.

He collapsed onto the table with his head in his hands. Maybe, if he buried himself in his work, he wouldn’t have to do it.

“Is everything alright?” Viktor asked.

“Eughhhhhhh….” Jayce made a tired, ungodly sound as he pulled himself back up. “Let’s go get some coffee.”

They did not have a coffee machine in their lab- despite all the risks they routinely took, it seemed like one too many, and besides, it was against academy regulation anyways (and they were doing far too much to push regulations already). Instead, Jayce and Viktor had to bookmark their research and leave their notes in somewhat-organized piles, before walking together to the closest student lounge, which was, inconveniently, in a whole other wing of the building than the one their lab was in. Jayce understood- their work was a bit too dangerous to put near the main populus of students, but it was still kind of annoying.

The lounge was, thankfully, empty, and Jayce did not bother to turn on the light. One full wall of the room was taken up by a vast window, which could be opened as a door if one wished to go out onto the balcony- not that anyone would in this dreadful weather. It overlooked one of the Academy's courtyards with a third-story view. In the spring, the courtyard was serene and pleasant- filled with flora brought in from around the world and maintained by the botany school. Now, it was covered in snow, lifeless and dull. The more delicate flowers were covered by tarps and taken inside, the hardier ones left to weather the storm. His favorite tree in the courtyard- a willow with long, swaying tendrils of leaves, was left scraggly and bare, and Jayce was forced to admit, if only to himself, that the sight saddened him, just a bit.

“You can sit,” He had said to Viktor as they entered, and guided his partner- ever-so-gently and subtly, Viktor never really needed guiding- over to one of the plush, low couches positioned near the window. Though he hadn’t said so, Jayce could tell how much the stair-flight down had winded his partner. “I’ll make the coffee.”

Viktor sighed and leaned back heavily as Jayce went to do just that. In brief minutes, he returned with two cups of coffee- his own, with what Viktor referred to as ‘an ungodly amount of cinnamon’ and condensed milk, and Viktor’s only with a splash of cream to cut the bitterness. Viktor took the mug gingerly, with both long hands, holding it in a way that minimized contact with the hot ceramic while equally maximizing stability, and Jayce sat down with him.

They sat and watched the snow, together, in silence.

It was a quiet, serene kind of solitude. The snow fell softly, making little sounds audible. Somewhere, a generator whirred in the background, warming the lounge to a tolerable temperature. The moonlight reflected off the snow, casting the courtyard and the room in a melancholic, blue-gray albedo. They were alone in the lounge, but it was not a horrible kind of alone. It was beautiful, in its own way. It felt as if they were the only two people awake in the Academy- perhaps, in the whole city. In the whole world. What a perfect kind of solitude that was. And was there anyone Jayce would’ve rather spent it with than Viktor? He thought not.

Their work was isolating, all-consuming. Though Jayce was without a doubt the more front-facing of the pair, handling all the social or political aspects of presenting their work, in truth, it did not leave him much time for socialization outside of their work. Of course, he still kept in touch with Caitlyn, and Heimerdinger, and even Councillor Medarda, but it was not the same as spending all one’s working, waking life with someone. He felt as if he and Viktor spent any more time together, they might stop needing words to communicate entirely. Wasn’t it nice, to be so close?

Viktor cleared his throat harshly, and the action soon devolved into a fit of coughs- something becoming so common with him now, and Jayce couldn’t help but be worried. Jayce hovered his hand over Viktor’s back, not wanting to touch him unless he wished, but still wanting to be supportive. Once his coughing had subsided, Viktor leaned back into the chair, and Jayce’s embrace.

“I so hate the winter.” said Viktor, a ghost of a smile on his lips. His gaze was distant, towards the falling snow.

“Mhm.” Jayce looked to Viktor, then down to the cup in his hands, then to the snow. “Yeah. I guess I do to.”

Jayce did not know then, what was to come. He did not know the storm that would brew into war, the ties that would fall apart in his hands, the role he, himself would play in the undoing of it all. He did not know how much he would miss it- how often he would long for the peace he had felt in that moment. He did not know he would lose that feeling.

But can one really lose, if they haven’t already loved?

The snow fell softly, on a night turning into a new morn.